Team Fortress 2000
by Stevethebarbarian
Summary: The RED Team is separated and isolated. With three new members, they are lulled into a false sense of security. And, through it all, they never realize just how much danger they are in. First chapter is SUPER dialogue-heavy, pretty much no action. That will change soon.
1. Chapter 1: The RED Camp

"Soldier! Scout! Commando! Wake up! Have you _completely_ forgotten what Miss Pauling told us? We have to move out, _now."_

The Heavy, a Russian powerhouse almost 7 feet tall and weighing in at well over 300 pounds, called out to the line of tents in which his fellow members of RED Team were stationed. The first to emerge from his quarters was the Scout, short, skinny, and thoroughly Yankee.

"Eh, eh, I'm up, I'm up! What's goin' on, big guy? And did you mention Miss Pauling?"

"Now is not the time, Scout. We have a job to do."

Yeah, yeah, right. Yo, Soldier! Get out here! We gotta job to do!"

Moments later, the trigger-happy American who served as RED Team's heavy artillery stepped out of his tent, his standard-issue Army helmet covering his eyes to the point that it was a wonder he could even see. Truth be told, none of the other mercs could quite figure out how he did.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA RECCOMENDS GETTING SEVEN HOURS OF SLEEP EVERY NIGHT! IF YOU DO NOT, YOU WILL BE STRUCK DEAD THE MOMENT YOU WAKE BY **AMERICA!** "

The Scout spoke up himself, before the Heavy had a chance to get into an argument with the Soldier. It actually chafed, for the Scout to be forced to _mediate_ trouble instead of causing it, but the Soldier always seemed to rub the Heavy the wrong way, and it only took seconds for them to erupt into a full blown fight.

"Soldier, we aint got time for dat crap! We gotta go! By the way, Commando, wacha doin' in there? Wake up!"

Surprisingly, the final mercenary stationed in their camp still hadn't emerged from his tent. The Scout ran quickly to investigate, brandishing his baseball bat to give the Commando a hearty wakeup call if he was still sleeping. Entering the tent, however, the Scout was surprised to find that the Commando just wasn't there.

"Hey, guys! You lookin' for me? I'm up here!"

The Commando, an average-looking American in military camo and wearing a flashy green beret, was strolling down a nearby mountainside, trusty assault rifle at hand.

"Tell me I'm not late, right?"

The Heavy answered, mildly annoyed.

"No, you are no more late than these two babies here. At least you were doing something productive."

"Yep, I was out scoutin'. Sniper's out there, by the way. He says he's out in position. I'm not quite sure what that means, though. Don't you think it's about time you told us what we were doin' here? Because if we're doing nothing but takin' potshots at Grey, I personally think we're wasting our time."

"Well you are not paying your own paychecks. And no, we are not going for Grey Mann. There is a remote possibility that he will also be at the site we are raiding, but it is nothing but that, a remote possibility. But Pauling gave me orders directly from the Administrator that if we are to see Grey Mann, we are to _immediately_ shift _all_ attention to terminating or capturing him."

The scout laughed out loud.

"We're gonna _capture_ that scumbag? You kiddin? Onna you guys captures Grey, I am making it my personal goal to beat that SOB to death myself."

"I AM HUNGRY. DO ANY OF YOU HAVE FOOD?"

"No, Soldier, we ran out of food several days ago."

Out of nowhere, the Commando professed to having something that could possibly help out the starving members of RED Team.

"I got a couple of squirrels I caught up in the mountains. They should hold us out until the Android shows up with resupply. And have either of you heard from the Spy and the Medic? Sniper says he lost contact with them about two days back."

The Heavy's face changed for a split-second to one of slight worry, upon hearing that the Medic was possibly in danger, before he responded.

"No, we have heard nothing from the Spy or the Medic. The Engineer has also been silent since yesterday, and he isn't one to stay quiet."

The Scout frowned. He knew that they had been out of contact, but he had figured that that was because they hadn't _tried_ to contact anyone.

"So… we're isolated. Dat sucks. Does anybody have contact with _anybody?"_

"Well, to be fair, I did run into the Sniper up there. But other than that…"

"ACTUALLY, I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM THE PYRO YESTERDAY."

All three of the other mercs stepped back in great surprise as they heard the Soldier's comment.

"Soldier, listen closely. Did you say that the _Pyro_ called you on the _phone?"_

The Heavy's voice was thick with seriousness.

"Y _EEEE_ ES. WHAT ABOUT IT?!

"Soldier, if the Pyro called you… how did he sound?"

"JUST LIKE HE ALWAYS DID. HE MUMBLED. LOUDLY. HE SOUNDED KIND OF CRAZY. LIKE ALWAYS."

"SOLDIER! Did he sound _upset?"_

"YES."

The Heavy held his head in his palm for a few moments.

"Soldier, if the Pyro called you on the phone, and sounded upset, that means that he was _in trouble._ And since Miss Pauling, the Demoman, the Gunslinger, and the Android were _all there,_ that means that they are in trouble as well."

The Commando's face twisted into a serious and hard look.

"Then our priorities just shifted, didn't they… I'll go get the sniper."

The Scout, in a rare moment of both logic and generosity, spoke up.

"Don't waste your time. I can get there twice as fast. You guys head down the mountain, and I'll get the Sniper and meet you guys at that first campsite where the Soldier caught that fish."

"THAT FISH WAS DELICIOUS! IT'S TOO BAD THAT I USED ALL OF OUR BAIT FATTENING IT UP!"

The Heavy just sighed. They started on their way down the mountain. Little did they know how serious the situation really was.


	2. Chapter 2: Seperation Anxiety

"Vell, mein freund. Zis looks like it could be a problem."

"Damn right, Medic."

The Engineer stood at the edge of a snowy cliff overlooking what had formerly been the campsite of the allies of him and the Medic, and which was now a trampled and charred wreck. And despite all of their combined intelligence, neither the Medic nor the Engie could be completely sure as to what had caused the destruction. It seemed both too sadistic and too complete and calculated to be Grey's robots, but you could never be sure, with him coming out with a new model every other damn week.

"So… vat do you think?"

"I aint got so much as an idea. I mean, it _could_ have been one of those newfangled bots of Gray's, but-"

"I do not mean _zat._ I mean _do you think our allies are still alive?_

"… I aint got a damn idea 'bout that either. But… we gotta find out."

"Right. Especially given that I'm the only one who can save zem if zey do need our help."

The Engineer hefted his wrench and pointed to the building PDA on his belt.

"Not the only one, buddy."

"Right, but it _is_ my specialty."

"True enough. But we gotta get goin'."

"Agreed completely, mein freund. But how do you suppose ve get down _zere?"_

The Medic was peering over the cliff. Directly beneath them, without any clear way to get down, was the closest available platform for climbing down the mountain. It was at least 80 feet beneath them.

The Engineer scratched his head.

"Huh. Do you think that a teleporter could survive being dropped down there?"

"I don't believe so… perhaps I could simply hit you with my medigun and overcharge you… you could get down without a scratch!"

"I don't think so… what would _you_ do? You'd hit the ground and break your legs!"

"Vell, they vould heal in just a moment anyvay!"

"Well, they'd heal, but not in just a minute… and we can't afford to wait."

"So it is ze long vay then?"

"Looks like it. Let's get movin'."

"Right."

The two of them set off, moving rapidly, heading toward the burnt camp by snaking their way down the mountain.

The Engineer shivered.

* * *

" **Of course not! Not if I want to keep my job!"**

At an undisclosed location, in a cave not far away, a perfectly, completely, undoubtedly normal and completely loyal Robo-Sniper was in a conversation with a Robo-Soldier.

" **OK, I HOPE SO! BECAUSE TAKING BREAKS IS** _ **UNACCEPTABLE!"**_

" **Right, of course. I'll just get going then, mate."**

" **YOU BETTER!"**

After the Robo-Soldier strolled off, the Robo-Sniper hunched down and breathed a quick sigh of relief. Grey's bots were getting smarter. As the R-Sniper wiped the sweat (?) off of it's face, it accidentally shook off it's mask (!).

In an absolutely unexpected turn of events, the Robo-Sniper was really the RED Spy!

"Merde. That was a close one."

" **DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, ROBO-SNIPER NUMBER 8932?"**

"Um, **no, of course not!"**

" **GOOD."**

The spy re-disguised and moved on, trailing the Robo-Soldier who was so obviously an officer. He fingered his knife. It would be useful to gain a disguise that came with a higher rank, and this damn robot was too smart. He hadn't expected the Soldier to hear him, and he certainly hadn't expected it to make anything of the statement.

And the Spy was very unused to things not going the way he expected. It also came to him that he had to warn the Sniper about the approach of the robotic force and their mysterious allies before they reached his position. The only problem with this was the fact that he didn't exactly _know_ the Sniper's position. He knew that he could trust him, at least, and that he could probably count on his allies' rather effortless escape, but he had to warn him nonetheless.

After all, professionals had to stick together.

* * *

"Demo, did you see who it was?"

"Aye, Pauling. It was Saxton Hale."

"W-what?"

" **Did you say Saxton Hale?"**

"That's the one. There's no mistaking how the man fights. He's an animal, and he took the Eyelander to the neck and hardly shrugged. Not a man or machine on earth that can do that 'cept for him."

"But… I'm sure, Hale is on our side! He's an asshole and a dirtbag, but he _never lies._ If he wanted to kill us, he would have _said so,_ and we wouldn't have gotten out of there alive. Besides, he would have come in screaming 'SAXTON HAAALE' as a battle cry."

"I'm tellin' ye, I know it was Hale! I saw 'is face and everything!"

" **My files say nothing about any traitorous activities by Saxton Hale."**

Chased away from their base, beaten back, and beaten down, Miss Pauling, the Demoman, and the robotic Android from the future huddled near a low fire in a snowy forest in the mountains. None of them had really seen what had happened back at the base, when a sudden unstoppable force had suddenly advanced with an army of robots at it's tail and pushed them back so forcefully that they had no chance to retreat. The Demoman had no less than six Huntsman arrows in his shield, and he wasn't in a good mood, despite the fact that they had evidently gotten separated from the Gunslinger.

He knew what he had seen, and wasn't about to give up on it, time travel be damned. Besides, the Android had come from a timeline in which the entire RED team had died months before that point. If Hale had turned traitor in this timeline, the Android wouldn't have known anything about it in his.

The Demoman cringed with the realization that he had just figured that out.

"Argh. I'm getting sober. Anybody got any drinks?"

" **No, Demoman, I don't believe any of us stopped to carry your beer cooler in the face of-"**

"MMMMPH!"

The Pyro stood just outside the light of the fire, holding… the Demo's beer cooler. How and when and why he had gotten it was a mystery to everyone. What was also a mystery was the fact that Miss Pauling had begun drinking even before the Demoman, evidently delighted to discover the stockpile of liquid courage now in her grasp.

 _The difference between her and me_ , the Demoman mused, _is that I_ know _I can't hold my liquor."_

* * *

"Just a little further, mate…"

The Sniper lied prone in his post, high in the mountains, looking down upon a valley far below him.

"Just a little further…"

His finger tensed on his trigger as he let a bit of air out of his lungs. In the valley below stood a wary Robo-Scout which was doing it's job, scouting. It had evidently heard something, and was advancing almost unbearably slower. The reticule on the Sniper's rifle was almost over his head. The robot was walking straight into it's death.

"That's right, mate. One more step…"

And boom. Headshot. Pieces of robotic scrap were all over the ground of the valley, pieces of what was once a high-tech killing machine. As the Sniper prepared to celebrate by emptying his bladder again for the second time in a half-hour, he heard a frantic call and ducked suddenly, dodging a rocket that flew directly over his head.

"Look out, you idiot! They are right behind you!"

Looking in the direction of the voice, the Sniper saw his old ally and rival, the Spy, standing there, with three robotic corpses lying around him. One had a knife in it's back, and the other two both had holes blown in their heads, undoubtedly caused by the smoking Ambassador in the Spy's hands. The Sniper took a snap-shot over the Spy's shoulder just in time to return the favor, blowing the head off of a Robo-Heavy behind the Sniper's back, and then spinning around to put a kukri in the neck of a Robo-Scout that was charging him from behind.

Only a few hundred yards away, the Medic and Engineer heard the shots and came running.

Far farther away, yet another figure heard the shots, and also came running.


End file.
